Alec’s

I stay quiet, just absorbing her words. The way she said them, there was a hint of

something I just couldn't place my finger on. It's like when you've been treated so

horribly before and then find someone who treats you with real tenderness, that

it's almost unbelievable.

Yes, that's it. She sounds as if she still can't believe just how considerate and

caring Knox had been.

"Nyx," I say, drawing in a breath, "I want to ask you something and I'll completely

understand if you don't want to answer."

She shifts, all her attention on me.

"Okay. What is it?"

My heart is pounding as I think of a way to broach the subject. I can feel sweat

pool under my armpits.

"You are nervous," she observes. "Why?"

I don't respond. I'm still trying to find the right words, a gentle way of asking

without sounding too pushy.noveldrama

"Come on, Sadie, just ask."

"Alright," I exhale. "Did you... did you have a mate before Knox?"

There is silence. Pure silence.

For a moment everything feels like it has been frozen in time. Like the world

around me has been suspended.

I wait, barely breathing, as the seconds stretch endlessly. I wait for what feels like

forever before I finally hear her soft voice.

"Yes, I did," she replies.

The air I was holding rushes out of my lungs. I wanted confirmation and got it.

Now that I have it, I don't know what or how to feel about it.

"W-what happened to him?" I ask, voice trembling.

She recoils, curling into herself as if she is trying to shield herself.

"I don't want to talk about it, Sadie," she whispers. "I'm not ready to talk about

him."

Her voice cracks on the last word,

and I hear it in her voice. Her pain.

Her heartbreak. This isn't just a sore

subject, It's a wound she's yet to

heal from. It's something that once

destroyed her and she isn't ready to

relive that pain again.

I have the urge to push it, but I won't. I won't push her, but I can't help wondering

what happened. Did he hurt her? Or did he die? The pain she's trying to conceal

is pain that results from something devastating.

Silence settles between us, heavy and uncomfortable. Soon I start getting the

urge to break it.

"I saw one of your memories last night," I start.

"Which one?"

I describe what I saw. It's imprinted on my mind like a damn tattoo, making it hard

to forget any of her memories. It's like slowly they are becoming mine.

Nyx had been surrounded by love. Xena loved her; that was clear to see, so what

the hell changed?

"I remember that day," she murmurs

with a faraway look. "I felt so

worthless like I didn't belong. My

mother was this powerful,

untouchable force. Xena was

showing signs of being the same.

And there I was-awkward,

uncoordinated, powerless. I even

wondered if I was adopted."

I understand her. They aren't my memories, but I've felt what she felt. And haven't

we been there one way or another, feeling less than others? I used to feel that

around Piper a lot.

"You were not weak, Nyx." I state, "I think we can both agree, especially now, that

you are not weak or powerless."

She's quiet for a moment before she

whispers in a shaky voice, "You say

that now, but you have no idea what

I had to go through to become what

I am right now. What we are. You

have no idea what I lost in the

process."

Her words stop me dead.

What she had to do? What she lost?

"Nyx..."

"You are lucky, Sadie." She says quietly, "You don't know just how lucky you are."

I freeze.

Lucky? Has she forgotten what I went through because of Alec? Or how I almost

lost Aspen.

So why would she say I'm lucky, knowing very well what happened?